living alone

i have always been very independent, but have always had a roommate for financial reasons and now because of love. i have never really lived alone, but two months of every year i come pretty close to it. for the past three years, my boyfriend leaves for tour for the months of november and december.

i have found that i go through the same cycle of emotions. before he leaves, i gear up on extra-curricular activities to keep myself busy. for example, this year i took an additional yoga teacher training course on monday nights, taught a kids' yoga class on thursday mornings, and then on fridays a speech class after work. for the first few days i feel rather sad and don't really go anywhere else besides my obligated places (i.e. work, classes). then i create some ambitious goals for myself. this year it was a 5-day cleanse, learning to meditate and going to the gym. i am actually proud to say that i have achieved most of the initial parts of my goals - however keeping up with the meditating and gym has been less consistent than i would like. now i am back to the point where i feel lonely, unmotivated to clean my apartment and yet find myself touching on insomnia-esque sleep patterns (hence this blog at 5:30am on a sunday morning). i do hang out with my friends, but often cut it short or make up lame excuses to not go at the last minute and i am not sure why. instead i find myself zoning out watching tv and 'window' shopping online.

i guess this time of year allows me to gain perspective - i look back on my relationship, remember what i love about it and also how i think i need to change to make it even better. i look at my job, go back and forth about if this is what i really want to do or if i should just quit and focus on yoga - and then i usually come to the conclusion that i love it and can do both as long as i prioritize what is important to me. so maybe loneliness is not such a bad thing after all...i think from now on i will refer to it as alone time.